Grateful for being grateful!

This week I have had such a beautiful feeling of possibility! The word comes from the Latin possibilis, which means "able to be done."The fact or state of being possible, abilities that could make someone better, a thing that may be chosen out of several alternatives.  This perfectly describes my state of be-ing--the last several weeks I faced an all out war with the adversary, discovered and felt my power as a daughter of God, and ended up in a place of complete gratitude. 

Through that trial I placed my trust in my Heavenly Father, and I have been so blessed!  I've been feeling and hearing God's love for me through others, discovered a new friendship, and received the gift of opportunity to change my life.  It was always there, but I didn't truly believe it until now!  I have been so grateful, for everything around me and each new day and that gratitude has been filling me so full that I have been joyful!  In fact, yesterday on my drive home I was praying in the car, and saying all the things I was so grateful for and even that I was grateful for being grateful!  And it's true, because it has brought me such happiness and such possibility and hope this last week.

So what holds us back? Back from remembering who we really are, from sharing with others, from connecting with them in absolute truth? For me it was fear.  That is the source of everything I have gone through!  Realizing I have the ability though the grace of Christ to release fear and embrace love has been instrumental--often I will place my hand over my heart and tell myself "All is well, you are safe and supported in this journey." I have learned about so many tools recently that I will share in later posts, but know that the time is now. The time is always now.  Not when you are able to complete all your goals, or when your kids are grown, or when you understand that one thing that keeps messing you up.  The power of the atonement begins the moment you decide to allow it, not after you have done everything you think is possible.  His grace will bring the help and healing that you need, you just need to be willing.

Couch hunting

Saturday I went on an adventure--to find a couch! Pretty soon my house will be partially emptied and I'll need some furniture after the detox from the dog hair. And so began the 7 hour day!

If you know me at all, you know I'm not a very decisive person.  Sometimes I even ask certain people, "Do I like this?"  So a large decision is that much harder!

This one? Bah, too white...

This one? Mayyyybe.

                             

 The girls like this one...I don't know, help!

I had to call in backup! Momma met me back at the Roomloft (my second time there) after we wore out the Ogden places and helped me narrow it down and finally...drum roll please....this is the one! I'm so excited to get to do something new and get started on the transformation!

Dawn

It's amazing how the Lord works sometimes, and you often don't see your progress unless you look back at where you came from.  I look back to one year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago...how fearful I was.  Don't get me wrong--I'm still fighting many fears.  But I've gotten to a point where I can start working through them instead of letting them consume me.  One year ago, really actually just a few months ago, I was at a point where I refused to be willing to give up certain things to Him.  I wanted to turn my will over, but with conditions.  Translation=I didn't really trust Him.  I was reading through some passages in my personal journal from about 3 years ago. It was a time when I was facing some very challenging things, but it was also a time when I was very close to Heavenly Father. I realized that in a way, I had forgotten.  I was so fearful that if I started submitting to His will again--without knowing what that would entail--that I would lose people that had become very dear to my heart.  But I had forgotten that it was through that trial several years ago and during that time that I submitted to Him, that I was blessed to have those people brought into my life.

I can't say that it was one amazing moment or experience that started to cause my understanding to shift over these last several months.  Rather it seems it was a combination of many small and simple things that added up.  I went from not even considering being willing in that area, to getting to a point where I am thinking about it.  And I think that's a good step.

Running...away?

*Written probably 4-6 months ago*

Running. That thing I haven't done consistently for a long time. I've recently become very aware of something in my life that has caused me to rethink everything about my interests.  Was I really running for me?  I still can't answer that question. Not yet.
I like to think so. I hope so. It was difficult fitting it into my schedule, and it was hard for me, really a challenge.  But it was also freeing in so many ways. It helped me release negative emotions, stress, anxiety.  I felt good sticking to a commitment for longer than a few weeks. So I guess I at least owe it to myself to try one more time, to see if I truly like the result more than the struggle. And to discover if I want this to continue being one of my "hobbies" or if the time is now passed.

You know that saying, something about being in the place you're supposed to be, and with the people you're meant to be with at that time? It was in a movie I saw recently. Momma says that it's in the scriptures too, and that Daddy says it a lot in his talks--"a time and a season for everything."  But to me it's always attached to some form of goodbye. Letting go has never been something I'm good at, but I'm starting to see how important it is.

Grandma

I was with my great grandma when she died. We were very close, in fact she lived in our home while I was in college, and before that she came over to our house at least once a week for dinner after Grandpa passed. Before that we spent every Sunday dinner there since before I can remember!
I remember that night so clearly, yet I've never written about it.  I was in Logan at the time, it was the weekly baseball activity for the stake down there. My ex husband got invited by a coworker who lived there, and so I went with to watch each week.  It was the "championship" game, the last of the year.  Gran hadn't been doing so good lately, and had been in and out of the hospital and assisted living.  I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, due in just a few more weeks.  I got the phone call in the middle of the game, saying that Grandma was in the hospital and this time would be the last.

"Her heart is slowing... It's slowly stopping. You need to hurry, I don't know how long she will last."
I told my Ex--but he didn't want to leave yet.  Right in the middle of the game--he told me we could wait until it was over.  I insisted. If I missed my last chance to say goodbye, I would never forgive myself.

When I got to the hospital there were several family members already there--grandkids, great grandkids and a few others.  She called for me, though I'm not sure she really knew I was there, and she reached out. I went to her side. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had known what to say.

We knew that Grandma didn't want to live her last moments in the hospital, so we were able to get her released and take her home.  They put her in her own bed, tucked in like she was ready to sleep. The light from her bedroom lamp felt gentle.  It was quiet, and peaceful.  I sat close to her and watched as she took her last breaths, long and deep, then still. Death can be such a spiritual thing to witness, there is no way to put it into words.

She was gone. The person who had helped raise me, taken me to the Lincoln School to play, on countless walks around the circle, always knew when something was bothering me, and loved me no matter what. Memories of her nightly ice cream ritual, singing hymns, watching for the spring violets to appear, her story time voice, sleepovers and gummy bears in my shoes all flooded my mind. "Are you loving me and leaving me? " she'd say. She knew so many people,and so many loved her.

My favorite gift I received this year was from Momma, a silver snowflake ornament with a poem about Grandma that meant so much to me. I wish Grandma would have been able to meet Momma--I know she would have loved her as I do. 

Words just can't describe who she was to me...How I miss her. How I long for just one more of her hugs, and to tell her I love her.

Summer day...a year ago!

This is a post from July 2014 (ish) that I started and never finished. Sad haha!

It's been a very interesting several weeks, from ice buckets and races, to kids throwing shoes on Grandma Jody & Grandpa Doran's roof (and throwing up in their kitchen), finding out K likes touching ears when they are cold (what?!), to changing schools and daycares!  

Today was very relaxing, something that doesn't happen often anymore and especially because starting tomorrow schedules are going to be crazy to say the least! The girls got out the water rocket shooters (don't judge, that's what I have decided to name them!) Can I just say--watch out ? ;)

I was huddled in a warm blanket, yep, on this nice WARM summer day.  I was freezing since this morning and wrapped up burrito style. Too bad the blankie wasn't bigger. Here you can also see Zoie trying to hide from the girls who were relentlessly chasing and squirting her (quite entertaining, poor dog!)

Not that I have a picture of this, but while Momma and Daddy were gone on vacation we stopped by their house to make sure everything was in tip top shape! Unnnnfortunately, Alissa started feeling sick and she frew up all over the kitchen floor! (Carpet...eek)  Of course I called Chelsea, because I have no idea what's the best way to clean it, my kids have never thrown up on the floor before (knock on wood!)  So I used baking soda and water and scrubbed, and vacuumed, repeat.  I thought it looked good. Until they got home a day or so later and Momma asked if I had used the KitchenAid for cookies and got flour all over the floor! Guess that wet baking soda showed back up when it dried... oops!

Fighting for me

I went into 7th grade like a lion (roar!), ready to achieve anything! I wanted to write and sing and act and I believed that I could.  But, as often happens, reality hit hard.  I learned real quick that my dream of becoming a writer was not a secure choice, it was a "hobby," and not something that should be pursued.  During auditions for a school play I learned that if you don't look the part it doesn't matter how much heart you put into the acting. I realized just loving to sing isn't enough.  I learned that kids can be cruel, and the desire to be accepted can sometimes destroy who you are.  That was a hard year, my "friends" were rarely kind and often said cruel things, or left me out. And I let them.

So often we allow experiences like these affect our whole lives, unless we choose to learn from them. Really the thing that we should have learned is that sometimes we have to stand alone to fight for ourselves.

So what have YOU learned on your journey?  I have learned that hard work and desire can take you a long way, that dreams can be realized in surprising ways, and that sometimes you need to leave people.  More importantly I learned that the only thing that ensures failure is quitting, even if I feel last place.

Meet Dave

This is Dave. He is the newest member of the family! He likes long naps, chick flicks, and cuddling.  Oh, he makes a great shoulder to cry on if you're lonely, and let's you hug him as often as you like. And he's mine! Don't even think about taking him! Not that I actually do all those things with him,or....tell him good night and good morning or anything...

My big sis, Chels gave Dave to me for my birthday and told me it was so I would think of her every time I see him--greedy! But I still love her! Momma says I need to lose him, because he doesn't have a job,a car,OR car insurance. Psha! I think she's just upset that she didn't get to meet Dave yet to screen him!
Sweet dreams all, my minion awaits.

On the road again

Wow it's been 9 months since I did a post on running. Bet you thought by now I'd be running half marathons huh? (Snort.) Wellll I got off track for several months, and then more off track and now I'm back to one mile ability instead of 3. :( Sad day. But tonight I made myself go, even though it was late, and I turned my iPod on, and forward ho!
A song by Martina McBride came on that was really keeping me going, so I played it twice.There was a line that said "I don't think I can do this anymore," and went on to describe that whenever she felt weak, there'd be someone to be strong for her, someone that had her back.  "Just take my hand, together we can do it I’m gonna love you through it."

And I just got to thinking how blessed I am in my life, for family and for beautiful friends who became family.For the people in my life who are constantly loving me even when I want to give up.  For the few who have continually chosen to stay with me, even after all the times I wasn't easy to love.  Those are the thoughts that keep me going. I felt the breeze on my face as I ran, and I looked upon the stars and the mountain side, and I felt watched over.

Birthday Memories

When I was probably 6 years old I got a baby doll for my birthday--she looked like a newborn with her eyes shut and I kept her with me all the time. I still remember what the doll looked like and I wish I still had it!  Anyway, back then I couldn't speak as eloquently as I do now (ha!), so birthday sounded more like bertday. Guess what I named that doll? "Bertday doll." And that is what I called her for the rest of her toy life! 

So fast forward a few--okay several--years to today, which so happens to be my birthday! Let's break down the festivities!

My sister Ty texted me just after midnight so she gets the award for being the first to wish me happy birthday--even though she did wake me up! Momma came in 2nd just before 7, making sure to clear her throat to sing me the birthday song.  One of my cute piano students made me a little sparkly picture frame, and as the day went on I got dozens of Facebook birthday wishes from friends and family!

At work my boss brought in birthday bagels--yum! And the finance department got me this cute gift!

By lunchtime I was completely famished, so of course Momma & Daddy came to take me for food. (I won't lie, when Momma sent me a text last night asking if I could go to work early I had an inkling, and an embarassingly huge grin!) If you know me at all, you know I love food, but not so much making decisions.  So I finally chose a place, and Momma--err I mean WE--took 30 minutes to pick what to order. But the best part was dessert---mmmm my mouth is watering just looking at this picture! 

My parents had already taken me out for birthday dinner last weekend--Olive Garden! It was Ty's birthday last month and they hadn't taken her out yet so she, Steven, and little Kaia came as well. And for the record, if Kaia offers you a bite of her mac n cheese and you pretend to take the bite, she knows. And she will make sure you take a real bite. When I got home there was a birthday cake waiting...ahem Mom Bear I told you not to do it! Plus donuts and more ice cream, I'm set for the day...I mean week!

Momma sent a text not long after letting me know her and Daddy were coming to take me for an ice cream--lemon custard at Peach City yum! They hitched up the trailer on the way home and fought over who had the strongest muscles.  Oh I love them! And I forgot to get a picture,pah!

Good old yard work

Growing up our yard was fairly simple--plants bordering the front, cherry and apple trees in the back. I hated that apple tree because we had to pick up the millions of apples that fell.And for the record we never made pies with them,I don't even remember eating them! I'm convinced my parents left it there as a way to torture,I mean teach us responsibility.

My brother and I took turns mowing the lawn every weekend. If you got the front it was super fast, but the back was ginormous (is that not a word?!) Then there were the times my parents got in that "mood..." you know, where they want to do yard work and WEED and stuff. Outside. In the sun. I hated that, but lucky for me since I would rather deep clean the entire house, including doing laundry, I always struck a deal! Crazy how strong my disdain for the outdoors was...Slurpees after for all!

Tiny Miracles

It's been a while since I blogged and of course I had all these amazing ideas and now they are all gone, fell out of my brain already. So in an effort to seem like I'm keeping up...

These pictures are from several weeks ago, when it seemed like everyday there were such beautiful skies. I was really grateful for these, and even though the picture can't capture how cool they were, here ya go

Have you ever stopped to think about what a large impact small things have had in your life? It really is true that the little things often mean the most, or play the larger role in your life.  Often there have been days in the past few months when I have felt really down and didn't know how to fight my way back up, and do you know what kept coming to mind?  Simple words that I've heard from people who care about me.  "When you want to give up, remember your worth, and that you are loved."  "You can DO this!" "It will work out."  We don't need some grand miracle to encourage us to keep going.  Realizing I have the love and support of those who choose to stay in my life--even when I am not perfect--is the blessing that helps push me forward. 

Party time-hope you're not claustrophobic

Kaylee turned 6 this past week so it was time to party plan! Sure I didn't actually think about it until a week before the party... ;) According to Momma, I should teeeechnically have not procrastinated on this one. Fine, logged!  The theme was Fairy/Pirate, and so it began!

Isn't this so stinkin' cute? Told ya that you would want my assistants! So...there's this rule according to K's teacher at school that if you take invitations you either invite all girls, all boys, or everyone. Of course I chose to actually follow the rules and went for everyone--I will NOT make that mistake again! Chels has assured me she won't let me forget! There were 25 children in my house. 25! Crowd control doesn't begin to describe...I was in such shock that I didn't even know what to say to delegate...it was wall to wall kids.

Highlights

Chels and I stayed up late making these cute pixie pouches--magical! Word to the wise, should you cook the sugar too long and it melts then hardens, it does not taste good.

Lexi shoved against the window in the car because 16 balloons were cramping her style--that peach color on the right is her shirt (her face is in the middle somewhere!)

 I forgot to retake a picture once the drink was inside the dispenser and we switched to a cute yellow basket for the pixie dust. Each girl got her own fairy wings and boys got eye patches and red pirate forehead bands (what?! Just like it sounds!)

 Bean bag throw and pin the wings on the fairy!

 

 Line of fairies and pirates! A kid actually wandered off during this and was found outside later :/ No, I didn't know until then that she was missing (25 kids!) Who was it? I.Not. Talkin'!

The very glittered table of fairy wand making! So wish I had taken a picture showing the balloons tied to each chair too! Boys made swords, sorry, forgot to photograph that one. They loved beating each other with them.

 Super cute sign Chels made for K!

 Awe! My knight in shining armor helped hold the fairy wands ;)

 

Aside from slightly too many guests, it turned out so cute and I couldn't have done it without help!

 Happy Birthday K!

Top Tallest List

I've been thinking about this post for quite a while and I finally got around to doing it! I'm tall. If you know me, you should at least know that much! This is my personal list of the everyday issues of being tall--bahahaha ;)


1.People asking if you played volleyball or basketball--you clearly have never seen me play sports

2. Trying to find pants that are long enough--I dream of pants that drag on the ground!

3. Finding a skirt that isn't actually a halter top dress. (The struggle is real!)

4. Being judged for wearing heels (don't even think about attempting stilettos, unless you want to break your neck!)

5.Tiny bathroom stalls--if I don't hunch I can see over into everyone's stall... awkward

6. Trying to fit in the bathtub. The phrase go take a nice relaxing tub never applies

7. Trying to sit at a desk and scoot in--I just want to cross my legs!

8.Having to wear undershirts with EVERY SINGLE thing

9. The awkward knee bend when you take pictures--blend, trying to blend!

10. Hugs--lower, lower, LOWER! You can't be very huggable at this height yo, and never get to "nestle" with the side squish, boo!

11. Shoes. Shoes besides flip flops that don't look like old grandma style

12. One size fits all gloves. Need I say more?

13. Tripping over everything even your own feet because your height causes an unnatural lack of balance

14. People telling you that you're tall. Wait, what? No way, really?! 

Falling asleep--or not

It's late, and I can't sleep.  Today I stayed home sick after some convincing last night--I usually tough it out unless I am physically unable to get out of bed.  Momma dropped off some apple cider and movies for me to watch (thanks for making me cry!) And Chels kept my kids and even brought them home to me after dance.  The day alone proved to be exactly what I needed in more than one way--at least a start.  Things have been changing, as I'm told they often do.  How many times can I write a sentence just to backspace and start over? This is a good example of where I'm at, though.  How quickly balance is lost--here it goes.

Running. Such wonderful self discoveries while running, and in the beautiful fall weather.  I battle myself to go these days--it's a strange feeling not wanting to do anything but trying to convinced yourself otherwise at the same time! Some days I want to push harder and harder, until I actually do and then I want to quit. 

The leaves on this tree were so pretty I saw a few weeks back while I was running!

This is the road right by Grandma.  I love it there, it's so peaceful. I go there often to talk with her, if I'm having a hard day, questioning where I belong, or sometimes just to cry.  I can say anything and everything and I know she will still be there --still love me no matter what. Except that she's not. Here I mean. Go ahead and laugh now, I talk to people who no longer exist! Removed--have you ever felt like that?

Well now that I've succeeded at saying a bunch of absolutely nothing anyone will be able to make sense of, I think I will try to sleep. After I find me some chocolate of course! Goodnight.

Put one foot in front of the other

Have you ever felt homesick, when you are home?  Every once in a while I do.  That's how this afternoon started out, maybe it was because traditions with my grandma used to be a main portion of Peach Days weekend, or maybe just because I've felt like something is missing lately.  

I haven't been able to run much at all this week with school starting and crazy schedules, and I miss it.  I had finally worked my way up to being able to run 30 minutes straight--no walking--but my pace was SO slow.  Momma says at least I am moving and not on the couch, but my big goal still seems so far away.

I've been reading a lot about faith and trust lately.  I know this sounds crazy, but I realized that in my mind I have connected running with learning how to trust.  When I push myself I often start panicking--how can I possibly keep going?  Usually after I fail my running goal, I think about how if I could just trust that my body can keep going, that nothing bad will happen, and push through...

This quote really sums up what I am also learning everyday. I honestly feel that as soon as I can learn to trust myself with running, trust what others are telling me, then I will simultaneously be learning to trust in Heavenly Father's plan for me.  Or maybe even the other way around. If I can just DO it!

This has been hanging where I could see it everyday for the past year. Each quote holds a special memory or meaning for me, especially "You is smart, you is kind, you is important."  Oh how often I needed those words! I am slowly realizing I am worth more than I thought, capable of so much, and gaining strength with every step I take. I think it's time I update this board :)

Just keep running.....or just keep swimming

"I believe I am always divinely guided. I believe I will always take the right road. I believe God will always make a way where there is no way." --Christopher S. Wren.

This past weekend I had the privilege of going to Island Park and staying in Gibby cabin for a girls only retreat--I will post more about that later.  There is something to be said about being away from the city and out in nature for a while.  It's almost like leaving the world behind.

Combine with that the wonderful sisterhood that comes with such trips--friendships made or strengthened--and it just doesn't get much better than that.  (AND someone who is willing to paint other's toe nails, that's love!)

It was so nice to just sit outside in the stillness and read scriptures, and I felt a little closer to heaven.  Momma joined me and we spoke of second chances, learning from the past but not getting stuck there, and how there is a way provided for all of us if we choose it.  We always have a choice--even when it seems we don't.

I spent some time thinking after other conversations as well--I am constantly amazed at how Heavenly Father really does know me and how he tells me that through others.  Sometimes there are things another person shares, unexpectedly, that you know can't be coincidence.  The things we need, forward steps, they are good but that doesn't mean they aren't hard.   

The night we got back home all I could think about was running. I wanted to run, and run, and then just keep running.  Running has been doing much more than just helping me accomplish goals--it helps me let go of hard things and keep going.  It's while running that I often find myself.  I don't understand why things happen or what the next steps are, but I am learning to trust and to "just keep swimming," and I am grateful for the blessing of having others that don't let me forget that.

Road Trip!

Last week we made the journey to Colorado to attend our first Juvenile Arthritis Conference! (For those who don't know, well, anyone reading this should know, but my 3 year old was diagnosed about a year and half ago. Kids get arthritis too!) 

It was SO beautiful up where we stayed--this is the view from our condo!

Everyday they would remind all of us to drink extra water because of the high elevation--good thing I brought my new cool mug, thanks Chels!

Here's Alissa at the opening night dinner--why da heck she thought this was a good pose I will never know! We jammed to Koo Koo Kangaroo (a few guys in their 20's jumping around singing songs about chomping dinosaurs, hmmmm)

We took the skii lift up to the TOP of the mountain! (I forgot the sunscreen, shhhh)

Still had to do my running, no way I was gonna let that slip, vacation or not! It was actually really awesome running on the paths through those mountains and streams...oh, except the last run which was NOT very pleasant as it was all inclined on the way back! But my dad ran with me, so we struck a shoe pose. 

Blast from the past--what the?! Who HAS this old of an oven, I didn't even know how to work it!

Awww, isn't the wildlife cute?

Meet Colorados Jayden Isaiah, folks! No, that was NOT a typo, that's Colorados with an "s!" K lovingly named the snake she made, explaining that adding the "s" just makes it funner to say. (By the way, she also walked around for days talking about a "Chelsea Bays" because that was also fun)

Highlight of their trip--shuttle rides

Time for feuud

Git yer boots, cow belts, and lassos (okay I know nothing about cowboy talk) ready for the HOE DOWN!

We had a great time, and hope to make this a yearly tradition, we learned so many new ways to help deal with this disease!