Grandma

I was with my great grandma when she died. We were very close, in fact she lived in our home while I was in college, and before that she came over to our house at least once a week for dinner after Grandpa passed. Before that we spent every Sunday dinner there since before I can remember!
I remember that night so clearly, yet I've never written about it.  I was in Logan at the time, it was the weekly baseball activity for the stake down there. My ex husband got invited by a coworker who lived there, and so I went with to watch each week.  It was the "championship" game, the last of the year.  Gran hadn't been doing so good lately, and had been in and out of the hospital and assisted living.  I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, due in just a few more weeks.  I got the phone call in the middle of the game, saying that Grandma was in the hospital and this time would be the last.

"Her heart is slowing... It's slowly stopping. You need to hurry, I don't know how long she will last."
I told my Ex--but he didn't want to leave yet.  Right in the middle of the game--he told me we could wait until it was over.  I insisted. If I missed my last chance to say goodbye, I would never forgive myself.

When I got to the hospital there were several family members already there--grandkids, great grandkids and a few others.  She called for me, though I'm not sure she really knew I was there, and she reached out. I went to her side. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had known what to say.

We knew that Grandma didn't want to live her last moments in the hospital, so we were able to get her released and take her home.  They put her in her own bed, tucked in like she was ready to sleep. The light from her bedroom lamp felt gentle.  It was quiet, and peaceful.  I sat close to her and watched as she took her last breaths, long and deep, then still. Death can be such a spiritual thing to witness, there is no way to put it into words.

She was gone. The person who had helped raise me, taken me to the Lincoln School to play, on countless walks around the circle, always knew when something was bothering me, and loved me no matter what. Memories of her nightly ice cream ritual, singing hymns, watching for the spring violets to appear, her story time voice, sleepovers and gummy bears in my shoes all flooded my mind. "Are you loving me and leaving me? " she'd say. She knew so many people,and so many loved her.

My favorite gift I received this year was from Momma, a silver snowflake ornament with a poem about Grandma that meant so much to me. I wish Grandma would have been able to meet Momma--I know she would have loved her as I do. 

Words just can't describe who she was to me...How I miss her. How I long for just one more of her hugs, and to tell her I love her.