Dawn

It's amazing how the Lord works sometimes, and you often don't see your progress unless you look back at where you came from.  I look back to one year ago, 2 years ago, 3 years ago...how fearful I was.  Don't get me wrong--I'm still fighting many fears.  But I've gotten to a point where I can start working through them instead of letting them consume me.  One year ago, really actually just a few months ago, I was at a point where I refused to be willing to give up certain things to Him.  I wanted to turn my will over, but with conditions.  Translation=I didn't really trust Him.  I was reading through some passages in my personal journal from about 3 years ago. It was a time when I was facing some very challenging things, but it was also a time when I was very close to Heavenly Father. I realized that in a way, I had forgotten.  I was so fearful that if I started submitting to His will again--without knowing what that would entail--that I would lose people that had become very dear to my heart.  But I had forgotten that it was through that trial several years ago and during that time that I submitted to Him, that I was blessed to have those people brought into my life.

I can't say that it was one amazing moment or experience that started to cause my understanding to shift over these last several months.  Rather it seems it was a combination of many small and simple things that added up.  I went from not even considering being willing in that area, to getting to a point where I am thinking about it.  And I think that's a good step.

Running...away?

*Written probably 4-6 months ago*

Running. That thing I haven't done consistently for a long time. I've recently become very aware of something in my life that has caused me to rethink everything about my interests.  Was I really running for me?  I still can't answer that question. Not yet.
I like to think so. I hope so. It was difficult fitting it into my schedule, and it was hard for me, really a challenge.  But it was also freeing in so many ways. It helped me release negative emotions, stress, anxiety.  I felt good sticking to a commitment for longer than a few weeks. So I guess I at least owe it to myself to try one more time, to see if I truly like the result more than the struggle. And to discover if I want this to continue being one of my "hobbies" or if the time is now passed.

You know that saying, something about being in the place you're supposed to be, and with the people you're meant to be with at that time? It was in a movie I saw recently. Momma says that it's in the scriptures too, and that Daddy says it a lot in his talks--"a time and a season for everything."  But to me it's always attached to some form of goodbye. Letting go has never been something I'm good at, but I'm starting to see how important it is.

Grandma

I was with my great grandma when she died. We were very close, in fact she lived in our home while I was in college, and before that she came over to our house at least once a week for dinner after Grandpa passed. Before that we spent every Sunday dinner there since before I can remember!
I remember that night so clearly, yet I've never written about it.  I was in Logan at the time, it was the weekly baseball activity for the stake down there. My ex husband got invited by a coworker who lived there, and so I went with to watch each week.  It was the "championship" game, the last of the year.  Gran hadn't been doing so good lately, and had been in and out of the hospital and assisted living.  I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, due in just a few more weeks.  I got the phone call in the middle of the game, saying that Grandma was in the hospital and this time would be the last.

"Her heart is slowing... It's slowly stopping. You need to hurry, I don't know how long she will last."
I told my Ex--but he didn't want to leave yet.  Right in the middle of the game--he told me we could wait until it was over.  I insisted. If I missed my last chance to say goodbye, I would never forgive myself.

When I got to the hospital there were several family members already there--grandkids, great grandkids and a few others.  She called for me, though I'm not sure she really knew I was there, and she reached out. I went to her side. I wish I had been braver. I wish I had known what to say.

We knew that Grandma didn't want to live her last moments in the hospital, so we were able to get her released and take her home.  They put her in her own bed, tucked in like she was ready to sleep. The light from her bedroom lamp felt gentle.  It was quiet, and peaceful.  I sat close to her and watched as she took her last breaths, long and deep, then still. Death can be such a spiritual thing to witness, there is no way to put it into words.

She was gone. The person who had helped raise me, taken me to the Lincoln School to play, on countless walks around the circle, always knew when something was bothering me, and loved me no matter what. Memories of her nightly ice cream ritual, singing hymns, watching for the spring violets to appear, her story time voice, sleepovers and gummy bears in my shoes all flooded my mind. "Are you loving me and leaving me? " she'd say. She knew so many people,and so many loved her.

My favorite gift I received this year was from Momma, a silver snowflake ornament with a poem about Grandma that meant so much to me. I wish Grandma would have been able to meet Momma--I know she would have loved her as I do. 

Words just can't describe who she was to me...How I miss her. How I long for just one more of her hugs, and to tell her I love her.

Summer day...a year ago!

This is a post from July 2014 (ish) that I started and never finished. Sad haha!

It's been a very interesting several weeks, from ice buckets and races, to kids throwing shoes on Grandma Jody & Grandpa Doran's roof (and throwing up in their kitchen), finding out K likes touching ears when they are cold (what?!), to changing schools and daycares!  

Today was very relaxing, something that doesn't happen often anymore and especially because starting tomorrow schedules are going to be crazy to say the least! The girls got out the water rocket shooters (don't judge, that's what I have decided to name them!) Can I just say--watch out ? ;)

I was huddled in a warm blanket, yep, on this nice WARM summer day.  I was freezing since this morning and wrapped up burrito style. Too bad the blankie wasn't bigger. Here you can also see Zoie trying to hide from the girls who were relentlessly chasing and squirting her (quite entertaining, poor dog!)

Not that I have a picture of this, but while Momma and Daddy were gone on vacation we stopped by their house to make sure everything was in tip top shape! Unnnnfortunately, Alissa started feeling sick and she frew up all over the kitchen floor! (Carpet...eek)  Of course I called Chelsea, because I have no idea what's the best way to clean it, my kids have never thrown up on the floor before (knock on wood!)  So I used baking soda and water and scrubbed, and vacuumed, repeat.  I thought it looked good. Until they got home a day or so later and Momma asked if I had used the KitchenAid for cookies and got flour all over the floor! Guess that wet baking soda showed back up when it dried... oops!

Fighting for me

I went into 7th grade like a lion (roar!), ready to achieve anything! I wanted to write and sing and act and I believed that I could.  But, as often happens, reality hit hard.  I learned real quick that my dream of becoming a writer was not a secure choice, it was a "hobby," and not something that should be pursued.  During auditions for a school play I learned that if you don't look the part it doesn't matter how much heart you put into the acting. I realized just loving to sing isn't enough.  I learned that kids can be cruel, and the desire to be accepted can sometimes destroy who you are.  That was a hard year, my "friends" were rarely kind and often said cruel things, or left me out. And I let them.

So often we allow experiences like these affect our whole lives, unless we choose to learn from them. Really the thing that we should have learned is that sometimes we have to stand alone to fight for ourselves.

So what have YOU learned on your journey?  I have learned that hard work and desire can take you a long way, that dreams can be realized in surprising ways, and that sometimes you need to leave people.  More importantly I learned that the only thing that ensures failure is quitting, even if I feel last place.

Meet Dave

This is Dave. He is the newest member of the family! He likes long naps, chick flicks, and cuddling.  Oh, he makes a great shoulder to cry on if you're lonely, and let's you hug him as often as you like. And he's mine! Don't even think about taking him! Not that I actually do all those things with him,or....tell him good night and good morning or anything...

My big sis, Chels gave Dave to me for my birthday and told me it was so I would think of her every time I see him--greedy! But I still love her! Momma says I need to lose him, because he doesn't have a job,a car,OR car insurance. Psha! I think she's just upset that she didn't get to meet Dave yet to screen him!
Sweet dreams all, my minion awaits.

On the road again

Wow it's been 9 months since I did a post on running. Bet you thought by now I'd be running half marathons huh? (Snort.) Wellll I got off track for several months, and then more off track and now I'm back to one mile ability instead of 3. :( Sad day. But tonight I made myself go, even though it was late, and I turned my iPod on, and forward ho!
A song by Martina McBride came on that was really keeping me going, so I played it twice.There was a line that said "I don't think I can do this anymore," and went on to describe that whenever she felt weak, there'd be someone to be strong for her, someone that had her back.  "Just take my hand, together we can do it I’m gonna love you through it."

And I just got to thinking how blessed I am in my life, for family and for beautiful friends who became family.For the people in my life who are constantly loving me even when I want to give up.  For the few who have continually chosen to stay with me, even after all the times I wasn't easy to love.  Those are the thoughts that keep me going. I felt the breeze on my face as I ran, and I looked upon the stars and the mountain side, and I felt watched over.